Regrets
by PolHop
Summary: He told her they couldn't be together so she moved on, still holding a flame for him. Hoping one day he'd come around. That day never came. Based off of the song Should've been us by Tori Kelly. I own nothing.
1. Chapter 1

**I know another new story! I'm sorry, I can't seem to help it right now. I will have updates on all my stories soon. I try to get them out fast for you guys. Thank you for all your continued support. Another angst story, that was going to be a one- shot.**

 **Enjoy.**

* * *

"Come on, Sam," Penelope said as she pulled her boyfriend towards the restaurant. The last couple of months had been kind of rough for the team, so they decided they would all go out to this fancy restaurant called _L'amore_ and celebrate each other and their accomplishments. Except right now, Penelope and her boyfriend were running late. Something normal for Garcia, but still, she didn't want her team of superheroes having to wait on them.

"We're here, Pumpkin. Let's go and find them." Sam gave her an apologetic look.

They walked into the restaurant to be greeted by the sight of the whole BAU sitting a long linin table, wine in their hands, talking and waiting patiently for their last guests to arrive.

Penelope looked around and groaned. The BAU family was packed tonight. JJ had Will and Henry on the far end of the table next to Reid and his date Marcia, and Rossi next to them with his current flame. Hotch had Jessica and Jack by him, leaving two empty seats across from the one person she wanted to avoid at all costs.

There at the opposite end of the table sat Morgan and his girlfriend Savannah. Nothing had been the same since that night at the FBI's annual holiday party. Yes, they tried to act cordial towards each other, but somehow it fell upon an empty audience. At first the other members of the team would asked what was wrong with them, but soon they gave up trying to pry into the rock that used to be Morgan and Garcia.

Penelope made sure to keep her eyes turned towards the rest of the team as they continued their meal. She was having a good time listening to Reid and his facts about the proper temperature for meat and how you should always go for a pasta choice at a restaurant because even though they have standers there might be that one rouge cook that wants to kill everyone with Ecoli.

Her attention was back to Sam when she heard him clear his throat, "You okay, honey?"

Sam took her hand standing her up. "Pumpkin," he started.

Penelope watched as Sam descended onto one knee. As he spoke, she couldn't register his words. Instead she turned her gaze to look at Morgan, all she could think about was the night they lost their chance, when Morgan decided to break her heart.

 _"Pretty little thing, what are you doing out here all on your own?" Morgan asked as he made his way out to the balcony after seeing Garcia sneak away._

 _She turned to face him, a sad look in her eyes. "Everything is fine, Handsome. Nothing to worry your pretty little head about."_

 _"Nu-uh, sweetness. Something is bothering you." He took her hand and pulled her to his chest, "Spill."_

 _"You wouldn't understand, Derek." How could he understand how she was feeling? He never felt undesirable, so how could he? He was Derek Morgan._

 _He placed his hand under her chin forcing her to look into his eyes. "Try me?"_

 _She sighed and looked down again, stepping out of his arms, "Have you ever thought you were just destined to be alone? Lately, it seems I started on a path that takes me down a road all by myself."_

 _"What are you talking about, Baby Girl?" he asked moving closer to her._

 _"It's been months after the breakup, and I've tried to get back on the horse, but it's a no go. Men don't find me attractive. I'm the fun flirty friend that they come to for relationship advice, but I'm never the one they come to ask out. I'm afraid I'll end up alone and no one will love me." She looked up at him, tears in her eyes, "I have no family, I have no one. Eventually I will really be all alone."_

 _He stepped into her personal space overcome with the feeling of sadness for her. Men found her attractive. Hell, he found her attractive; she needed to realize that anyone would be lucky to have her, including him._

 _He placed his hand under her chin again, forcing her once again to look into his eyes. "You will not end up alone, Penelope. You're so beautiful and intelligent, quick witted. I've loved you for years."_

 _They had said I love you many times in the past, but this time. This time it felt different. It was more real and sincere then before, "Derek?"_

 _"I've always loved you," he whispered hovering his lips over hers._

 _"I've always been in love with you, too," she managed to say before his lips descended the millimeters to hers._

 _He had kissed tons of women in his life, but none of them compared to kissing Penelope. This kiss ignited every nerve he had in his body, setting it on fire. She was everything he'd ever pictured. As he kissed her, images of her in a white dress, her playing in the back yard with children came into his mind, and then he realized. No matter how much he loved her, he never wanted to marry. He saw what his mother's life was like without his dad, and he could never do that to the one he loved. This was a mistake. A mistake brought on by weakness._

 _This kiss made her toes curl; she apparently had been kissing toads her whole life, because this kiss surpassed all of them. She felt him pull her body close to his, messing them together, as this one kissed cleaned her of all her worries in her life. Her heart felt so small before he came out to see her and now it felt like it had grown three times its size._

 _But then she felt him stiffen, and she knew it changed._

 _She felt him pull out of the kiss. When she opened her eyes she notice his eyes wouldn't meet hers, and then he spoke the words that crushed her soul,_

 _"But," he started still looking away from her. "But we are both strong people, too hard headed, neither one of us would ever back down. You know it's true. We both never back down from a fight and we'd end up constant-"_

 _She had to stop him; her heart couldn't take anymore, as he came up with excuse after excuse on why this was a mistake. Maybe it was her looks, maybe it was her personality, either way- he thought it was a mistake, "Derek, it's okay…"_

 _He finally looked at her and saw the devastation in her eyes, "No, baby-"_

 _She held up her hand to stop him, "I get it. Someone like you isn't meant to be with someone like me." She pulled away from him looking down. "Maybe next time you can say something a little less heart shattering, like frat rules or something…"_

 _She turned on her heels almost sprinting away from him. If she could get into the building she'd be able to mingle into the crowd until she could make her way home._

 _"Baby Girl, wait!"_

She watched Morgan's eyes, the eyes that used to hold love and desire when they looked at her, but this time, this time, they were cold. She had a sharp intake of breath as she watched him completely dismiss what was going on and turn his head back to Savannah as if to carry on a conversation.

She knew. She knew at that moment, they were done. All the times she'd close her eyes and imagine him as she kissed Sam, all the times she'd wonder what he was doing at night. All the times she'd look at him when no one was looking and wish that it should've been them, were all futile.

She had spent so many nights thinking it could have been different. That she just needed to wait him out, he'd come back and save her. Nights spent lying next to same dreaming of Derek, knowing they would've been the perfect storm together. But now, with that one look from him she realized, they we're just her fantasies, not being able to let go of the only man she ever loved. However, he made his feelings perfectly clear. There would never be a _them_.

She let her eyes fall to Sam. Why fight someone that wanted to love her?

"Yes."

* * *

AN: AHHH! So many updates today. I am so sorry guys for spamming with all of them. This will be my last new story (for now) and I will only work on updates. You know when you have something in your head and you have to get it out. That was this. This was going to be a one-shot and yes is was going to end there but my girl evgrrl09 convinced me to keep going, so now this will be a story. Sorry again for all the updates. you all so very much!


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thank you everyone for your support! You all are the best! I have to give a huge shout out to Zammis Dracon- you already know how amazing you are! Also, a huge thank you to FreelySheRoams and evgrrl09. This story has some angst- but by now would you expect anything less from me?**

 **Please enjoy.**

* * *

 **Six Months Later**

Morgan watched the bullpen doors for any sign of her. Today would be Penelope's first day back from her two week honeymoon. He knew they were not the same anymore since that night at the holiday party, but he needed to see her. If he didn't hear her voice or see her at least once a day he just didn't seem right, even if they didn't talk anymore. So he was sitting on Reid's desk trying to nonchalantly make small talk all while waiting for her to make her appearance in the bullpen.

Morgan knew he had no one to blame but himself for his life now becoming a complete and utter mess. He should have never told her it was a mistake and tried to make up excuses. Now, well now, he was falling apart more and more as the days went on without her.

"Garcia!"

Morgan shot his head up after hearing Reid's voice. He couldn't help the sharp intake of breath as she walked to the group. She looked radiant with her hair freshly highlighted and her makeup just right, she was absolutely beautiful.

"Kitten," Rossi started before giving her a hug. "You look so relaxed."

"Two weeks away from this place will do that to you, my Italian stallion," she cooed.

"How was your honeymoon?" Reid asked, moving in to welcome her with a hug.

"Boy Wonder, it was amazing. We drank French wine, ate loads of cheese and bread, shared French kisses under the Eiffel tower, and our nights…" She trailed off, giving them all a sheepish look and avoiding Derek's gaze.

"How's the baby making coming?" JJ asked, her eyes dancing with excitement for her friend.

"B- baby making?" Morgan stuttered, almost falling off Reid's desk.

"Yeah? Baby making so soon, Kitten?" Rossi asked with a smile on his face, his head cocked to the side a little.

Penelope's eyes danced as she spoke. "Yuppers, two weeks after Sam proposed we talked about children. Why wait? I'm not getting any younger so we've been trying since then." She looked at JJ. "No luck yet but that doesn't mean we aren't having a blast trying."

Morgan felt bile rise in his throat. They were trying for a baby, and they have been trying this whole time. He needed to get away from them before he did or said something he would regret again. He got up from Reid's desk, leaving the group to head over to his office.

Penelope shifted on her feet as she watched her former best friend leave without really acknowledging her. She shouldn't have been surprised with his dismissal. It had been like this for months now. She hated that he still affected her heart after all this time. She would never forget the hurt and pain she felt when she was at the alter on her wedding day when out of the corner of her eyes she saw him stand up and leave the church. It took everything inside of her at the moment to not break down and cry right there. He had proven over and over again that he never truly loved her. She turned her head to look back at her teammates trying her best to hide her pain.

* * *

Morgan stumbled into his office. This couldn't be happening. No, she couldn't be giving herself to Sam every night in hopes of making a baby. This wasn't right. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

He did the only thing he had been doing since he told her it would never work between them. He slumped over to his desk; glancing back at this door to make sure it was locked before taking out the water bottle full of vodka. He needed to numb the pain, and this was the only way he was able to do it.

He took a swig as his phone went off, drawing his attention from the image of _his_ Baby Girl, trying to make a baby. He looked at the phone to see Savannah's name come up.

"What?" he snapped as he answered the phone.

 _"Well, hello to you to Derek."_

"Savannah, I'm busy. What do you need?" He normally would have tried to soften his tone but right now he didn't care.

 _"I was calling to make sure you got to work alright, Derek. You were so gone when you crawled into bed, I didn't think you would have woken up,"_ she snapped.

"I'm here, aren't I?"

 _"We'll I'm surprised you made it there,"_ she answered, annoyed with his response.

"What's you're problem, Savannah?"

 _"You know damn well what my problem is. You get yourself piss drunk every night now. What changed in you? We used to have fun and talk, but now…"_ He heard her sigh over the phone. _"Now… I just don't know anymore."_

Morgan took another swig from his water bottle, "Savannah, I have to go. We'll talk tonight."

 _"Are you sure you won't be drunk by then?"_

"I have to go." He hung up the phone, taking one more swig before placing the bottle back in his desk. He could hear her laugh in the bullpen and it instantly pained his heart. That laugh used to bring him out of some of the darkest places he had ever been. And now, now that laugh seemed to send him spiraling back into those same dark places.

* * *

"Sammikins?" Penelope got the attention of her husband as she made her way into their house.

"In the kitchen, Pumpkin. I'm making our favorite," he replied.

She smiled. Sam was everything she could ever want in a husband. He took care of all of her needs. He showed her love she never thought she would have. But even so, her heart never would fully belong to him. No matter how many times she tried to forget Morgan, she still held something for him. It was foolish on her part. She knew that much to be true. Time and time again he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with her. It didn't matter anymore. She had someone that loved her.

She walked into their bedroom; taking off her heels she wore that day. She was about to get undressed when she heard the doorbell ring.

"I'll get it, Sweetie," she called into the hallway as she made her way to answer the door.

She opened it to see Morgan slouching on the frame. It didn't take a profiler to see he was plastered. She stepped out of the front door, pushing him back a little before shutting the door behind her. "What are you doing here, Morgan?" She watched as he trailed his eyes up and down her form, his eyes bloodshot and cold. He drunkenly mumbled something, but she wasn't able to understand it. "What?" she snapped, annoyed with his presence.

His eyes bored into hers as he spoke, "How could you?"

"How could I what, Morgan?" she shot back.

"How could you get married?"

* * *

AN: What a cliffhanger, right? If you have a moment let me know what you think.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: See I told you all I had an update. :)

* * *

 ** _Three Months Before_**

 _Savannah watched as Morgan stumbled up the stairs. "Drunk already I see?"_

 _His bloodshot eyes trailed up her form. "Why are you even here?" he slurred, trying to make it up the stairs to his house._

 _"We were supposed to have a date tonight. Remember?" she said angrily as she helped him the rest of the way. "Obviously not, since you got here an hour after we were supposed to meet. What the hell has gotten into you?"_

 _"We had a date tonight?" His bloodshot eyes tried to focus on her. "I don't remember us having a date tonight," he slurred out as he stumbled again. He would have remembered telling Savannah to meet him he thought._

 _"You called me last night, saying you wanted to go out tonight, something about it being a bad case." She helped him move to his bedroom, "It must have been really bad if you're drunk already."_

 _He ignored her as he moved to the bed. He didn't want to think about the case right now. All he wanted to do was sleep. Normally he would have gone to Penelope when he was feeling this bad after a case, but he screwed that up. Now she was probably curled up in Sam's arms as he brought her back from the dark place. Stupid Sam. She shouldn't be with Sam! He still couldn't believe she had looked him in the eyes while Sam was asking her to marry him, and still turned and said yes to him. He plopped onto the bed._

 _"Do you want me to get you anything before I go home?" she asked._

 _He groaned as he turned on his side away from Savannah. He heard her sigh. A few moments later he heard the door slam, and he finally relaxed. He opened his eyes only to reach for his nightstand to pull out the bottle of rum he had stashed there. He took a few drinks before turning over and passing out._

 _The room was quiet except for the faint moaning of him calling out to Penelope as he slept._

"Excuse me?" Penelope asked in disbelief as Derek stood in front of her demanding to know why she had gotten married. Who did he think he was coming to her house and asking such a thing when they hadn't spoken in months?

"Howz- how could you?" he slurred, stepping closer to her.

"Morgan, you're drunk. Please tell me you didn't you drive here?" she asked as she looked around him. Sure enough she saw his SUV, crookedly parked up on her curb.

"I had- I had to know why." His eyes focused on her, making her shudder with the intensity in them.

"Why does it even matter, Morgan?" she asked looking back to see if Sam was coming to the door. She didn't need to deal with Sam hearing Morgan's drunken rant right now.

"It matters to me. You shouldn't have married him," he said angrily. "He doesn't love you like _I_ love you."

She put her arms across her chest, staring at him with narrow eyes. "You _don't_ love me," she spat. "You proved that to me, time and time again."

"I love you more than anyone should ever love another person," he shot back, trying to take a step closer to her but stumbling in the process.

"Jesus Derek, you can't even walk," she said, annoyed, as she grabbed onto him helping him stand up straight. She looked back at his SUV and then back at her front door. No matter how upset she still was at him, she wouldn't send him away. She took a deep breath before opening her front door, helping him in.

"What's he doing here?" Sam asked as he made his way out of the kitchen after hearing the commotion at his front door.

"He's drunk. I'm not letting him drive home like this," Penelope answered as she helped Derek to the couch where he instantly slumped down onto his back, coving his eyes with his arm.

Derek grumbled a noise as he was now passed out on her couch.

"Call him a cab," Sam demanded as he walked over to his wife. "You're not even friends with him anymore. He's not your reasonability, so call Savannah."

Penelope glared at her husband. "I would never leave anyone that showed up at our door like this to fend for themselves. You should know that."

"Figures," Sam mumbled making his way back into the kitchen.

"What do you mean by that?" She shot off of the couch, following her husband and wanting to get a better understanding of what he was talking about.

"No matter how shitty he treated you, you will still drop everything to be there for him," he snapped, turning to her.

"So, you're telling me if one of your friends showed up drunk on our doorstep you would be fine sending them away?" she asked in disbelief.

"No, if one of my _friends_ showed up, I would help them. But Derek Morgan isn't your friend. He didn't even stay for our wedding." He rolled his eyes turning away from her, "You will always run back to him," he grumbled. "I'm surprised it took this long."

"What is your freaking problem, Sam?"

"You want to know what my problem is? It's you and _him_. You married _me_ , Penelope, but in the middle of the night you call out for _that_ jackass," Sam spat.

She stood there her mouth agape as she registered what Sam had just told her. She knew she still dreamed of Derek at night, but she had never been told she talked in her sleep before so she never thought she would actually call out to him. "I- I-"

"I thought it was a fluke, you calling out for him at night. It would happen here and there and after being his supposed best friend for years I got it. But after he walked out of our wedding, you started calling out to him every night. Hell, it even sounded like you were answering him. God, Penelope. You called out to another man on our wedding night."

"I- I didn't," she stuttered in disbelief. She wouldn't do that. Yeah, Derek hurt her and she still felt something for him, but she would never do anything like that.

"Yes, Penelope you did!" Sam moved past her going to their bedroom, "Did you even want to get married to me? Have a family with me?" he asked as he threw the suitcase on the bed. "Call him a cab or I'm leaving,"

"What? Yes, Sam. Of course I did- I mean do. I want a family with you. We've been trying for months." She tried to get him to stop packing.

"Yeah, that's another thing. You should be pregnant by now. Let me guess, you're on the pill still aren't you? Couldn't have a baby of it wasn't _his._ " Sam snapped.

Tears formed in her eyes as she listened to the pure hatred in Sam's voice. He had never been so cold to her before, and here he was basically calling her a liar. "I would never do that to you. I love you."

"But not like you love that egotistical, pompous, jackass that is now passed out drunk on our couch. Tell me Pen, why did he even show up here? Why did he come to you after months of not speaking to you?" Sam demanded.

"I don't know," she lied. There was no way she could tell him what Derek had just confessed to her on the porch.

"You'd even lie for him," Sam said, shaking his head. He grabbed the last bit of clothes throwing them in the suitcase and headed towards the front door. "You're still in love with him."

Penelope jumped when she heard the front door slam behind Sam. She moved into the living room and looked down at a passed out Derek on her couch. How could he still have this much control over her heart?

She grabbed a blanket and placed it over him. "I wish I didn't still love you."


	4. Chapter 4- Final

_AN: Hello All! This will be the final installment of Regrets. Thank you all for the support! It means so much to me. I want to thank **evgrrl09,** for being so incredibly awesome. If it weren't for her, this would have been an one-shot, ending where she said yes to Sam. This is defiantly angst filled, but eh, you should already know this about me already._

 _Please enjoy!_

* * *

Morgan groaned as he opened his eyes, the light instantly causing pain to shoot to his head. _Shit, how much did I actually drink last night?_ he asked himself as he kept his eyes closed, hoping the pain would subside. He slowly opened his eyes again and let the room come into focus. Once he realized he wasn't in his room he shot up, looking at his surroundings.

He could try and deny it all he wanted, but there was no use, the knick-knacks that decorated the shelves told him exactly where he was… _damnit!_

Maybe he could sneak out, before her and Sam woke up? There was no way in hell he could deal with the _happy_ couple being this hung-over.

He looked at the blanket that was laid across him, his heart instantly clenched. This was their go to blanket on movie nights. They would curl up under it, cuddled close together as they watched their movie marathons. He shook his head, getting out of his ravine. This was too much, being this hung-over. He couldn't be in the house of his one true love, as she slept next to Sam.

Morgan went to stand up, but the rush of movement caused him to fall back down. It's never been this bad before. Normally, he would be able to function and no one would have been the wiser, but after finding out they were trying to have a baby yesterday, he drank more than he ever had. Oh God, he was going to be sick.

He had no idea where the bathroom was so he hoped he would be able to make it home or at least outside. He shot up, off the couch taking a few steps. Thankfully when he looked up he saw the light coming from what looked like the bathroom. He sprinted over there before expelling the contents of his stomach.

* * *

Penelope woke up to the sounds of her houseguest praying to the porcelain Gods. Of all the years she had known him, he'd only gotten sick a few times and never after drinking, so she knew this one was bad.

She put her robe on, after taking a quick look at her phone and paddled to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. When she made it back to the bathroom she leaned against the doorframe and waited for him to be done.

When he finally looked up at her, his eyes held a pain she had never seen before. She moved into the bathroom, placing the water on the counter. "I'll be in the kitchen making you something to eat. When you're ready, meet me there."

She turned on her heel leaving him, still draped over the toilet.

About ten minutes later, Morgan made his way, in his disheveled appearance, into the kitchen to see Penelope placing some toast with butter on the table. He wasn't quite sure what he should say - if anything. There was so much he _wanted_ to say, so much he _wanted_ to ask, but he didn't even know where to start.

She turned to face him, holding out her hand. "Take these."

When he reached for the pills, his fingers brushed against the palm of her hand, causing his body to hum. Just a simple touch from her and his whole body was on fire. He missed her, missed her touch. He could still remember the feel of her lips against his, the taste of her, as their tongues danced.

"Thank you." He swallowed the pills, hoping to calm his own nerves. "I… uh… I should probably go. Sam will be up soon."

Penelope stopped what she was doing to look at him, pain flashing across her face. "That's right. Run away like you always do. If you can't face me when you're sober, than that's right. Get out." She walked over to the toast she had made for him, picking it up to throw it away. If he couldn't talk to her now, when he wasn't hiding behind alcohol, she didn't want him anywhere near her.

"I'm sorry for showing up here last night," he said apologetically. "I don't even know how I got here."

"You drove! Like a idiot." She turned to face him, "I knew you were a coward, but I never thought you'd be stupid enough to put yourself and others in danger. You've changed, Morgan. You are not the man I once fell in love with."

"You left me. You left me the deal with my demons on my own. You are the only one that can take them away. No one else," he said trying to defend his actions.

"I never left you, Derek. I moved on. What did you want me to do? Wait for you?" she huffed, turning to her dishes.

"I loved you," he said forcefully.

She turned from her task to look at him. "You said that last night."

He stared at the fury in her eyes as she said those words. He had no idea of the things he said to her last night. He couldn't remember them even if he tried, but the floodgates were open now. There was no holding back. He had come here last night, during his drunken state to ask her a question. The question that had been gnawing at him for months. He didn't know if she answered him last night or not but as he stood here, with her blaring daggers at him, he had to know.

"How could you say yes to marrying Sam, right in front of me? How could you even consider trying to make a baby with him, when you know damn well, you should be trying to have a baby with me." He was taken back with his own venom, in his declaration of having children with him.

She opened her mouth to answer him, only to close it again. Was she really hearing this? Was he really saying these things to her, when _he_ was the one who told her it would never work out between them? How could she even contemplate having children with him, when he dismissed her that night? Was he crazy?

"You need to get your facts straight right now, Derek Morgan. _You_ told me you loved me and not to give up, but in the next goddamn breath _you_ told me we couldn't be together. What, am I a little too curvy for you? A little too eccentric compared to little miss perfect Savannah? Am I too loud for you? _You_ , Derek Morgan, turned _me_ down after I experienced the first real kiss that ever meant anything to me. _You_ crushed _my_ soul. You don't get to be upset I married Sam and was trying to have a baby with him!"

"It never had anything to do with your looks. You're perfect to me. Your cu-" he stopped himself, after letting the lasts words register. "What do you mean _was_?"

Her eyes narrowed at him. "It doesn't matter, Morgan. It's none of your business."

"What do you mean by _was_ , Penelope?" he then turned to looked behind him towards the open bedroom door. He did think it was strange Sam hadn't come out hearing their argument. "Where is he, Penelope?"

"You need to go," she said, trying to keep her voice steady. She hated this, hated every minute. Here in front of her stood the man that held every bit of her heart; he was the only one that had the control over her to break her. Nothing hurt as bad as him dismissing her that night at the Holiday party, not even last night, after going to bed, when she finally got a hold of Sam, and he told her he was done. He was tired of playing second fiddle in her heart, and that she was foolish to ever get married. All she did was end up hurting three people in the process because she was trying to selfishly prove to herself she was over Morgan.

He stepped closer to her, and felt his heart tighten when she instantly took a step back from him. How could it have gotten this bad? They used to run into each others arms… now…. now it was a mess. "Penelope," he said softly.

"Can you just leave, please, and let me deal with my failings on my own?" she asked, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I can't. You can't ask me to do that. This is the most I've talked to you in months; I can't leave without getting you back. All of you. Now, please tell me: where is Sam?"

"You got your wish. We won't be trying for a baby anytime soon."

He felt his heartbeat quicken as questions ran through his mind. Was Sam upset he showed up here last night? Did they decide they should stop for a while? He had to know, why Sam was no longer there, and why they were no longer trying? "Why not?"

"You don't care. So stop acting like you do," she snapped, her anger rising again.

"The hell I don't care. I care so damn much I can't function without you in my life. I care about you more than I care about my own goddamn self. I've been reduced to a functioning alcoholic, because I no longer have _you_ to chase away the nightmares. I no longer have _you_ to tell me it's going to be okay." He damn near yelled at her.

"Alcoholic?" she asked, thinking back to last night.

"Yeah, whatever, I'll admit it to you, you know all my other demons, might as well add this one to it. I drink now. I drink when I see you happy with Sam, I drink when I think about you. I drink when I wake up, after calling out to you all night just for you not to be there in the morning. I drin-"

"You call out to me?" she asked in disbelief, recalling what Sam had told her. Sam had even told her, sometimes it sounded like she was answering Derek's cry, when she herself would call out to him.

"Yeah, apparently I call out to you every night. Searching for you, hoping I'll find you, praying you'd come back to me," he said shrugging his shoulders.

She moved around him to sit at the kitchen table, to let his words digest. Could that even be possible, to be connected with the one person that mattered most to her, even after all this time? Before the Holiday party, he always had the ability to sense her moods and know what she was thinking without even saying anything. She looked up at him, tears running down her face. "Why did you pull away from me?"

He walked over to her, crouching down to his knees, placing his hands in her lap, "I was - am a coward. When I kissed you that night everything in the world finally clicked and it felt perfect. I was right where I needed to be-"

"I don't understand," she interrupted. How could he feel that, but than still pull away?

He sighed trying to gain the strength he needed for this. "Towards the end of the kiss, I thought of having a family with you, and then my mother came into my head. I saw the struggles she had to go through when my dad died, and our job is ten times more dangerous than what he did. I couldn't – I wouldn't." he sighed, "It was easier to push you away, so I wouldn't hurt you in the long run. I'd rather be with someone I don't truly care about, so I won't risk hurting the one I really love," he said, ashamed.

"Sam left me last night." She looked down at Morgan's hands in her lap, "And I woke up to a email with the date and time for a divorce lawyer." She gazed into Derek's eyes. "Turns out he wasn't to keen on me calling out to another man in my sleep."

Derek sat back on his knees, watching her intently as he let her words sink in. _Call out to another man?_ He instantly shot up, pulling Penelope out of her chair crushing his lips to hers. The kiss was rough. It poured all the pain and heartbreak they both had endured the last months. He felt her hands roam under his shirt and he instantly reached for the collar, only breaking their kiss to pull the clothing over his head. "I love you," he whispered against her lips as he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom.

"I love you, too."

* * *

AN: Another story has come to an end. I had a lot of fun writing this. What can I say I love the angst :) If you have a moment let me know what you all think.


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